Help! Is My Husband Addicted to Porn?

If you’re worried about your husband’s porn use, you’re not alone and your concerns are valid. Porn addiction is a real issue and it can produce biochemical changes in the brain just like a substance abuse problem.

However, not all porn use should be considered an addiction. Some men are able to watch porn occasionally without it affecting their lives or their relationships.

In this article, we’re going to talk about porn addiction, its symptoms, and potential treatments. By the time you’re done reading this article, you should be able to decide whether or not your husband actually has a porn addiction. If he does, you can talk to him about the available solutions and see if he’s willing to get help.

Signs that your husband is addicted to porn

Regular porn use does not necessarily mean that your husband has a problem. Whether or not you agree with porn use is another thing entirely. However, just because your husband watches porn doesn’t mean he’s addicted.

However, if he’s displaying any of these signs and symptoms of porn addiction, then you may have a reason to be concerned.

• Changes in sexual behavior If you notice that your husband’s sexual behaviour is changing, this could be the result of porn addiction. Peoples’ sexual habits change and evolve as they grow and explore. However, sudden, spontaneous, or extreme changes in sexual behaviour could be the result of porn addiction.
  

• Avoiding intimacy in order to watch porn. If you’ve noticed that your husband prefers to watch porn rather than being intimate with you, this could be a sign of porn addiction. This could also be a sign of underlying emotional or relationship problems that need to be addressed. If your husband suddenly eschews personal intimacy and seems distant or reserved, it’s important to talk to him about how he’s feeling. Behaviors are a reflection of emotions and beliefs, and if his porn habits are something new, they could indicate that his mindset or beliefs have changed, or that he feels hurt.
  

• Neglecting responsibilities in order to watch porn. If you find that your husband is neglecting his work, school, or relationships in order to watch porn, this could be a sign of an addiction.
  

• Being secretive or lying about porn use. If you find that your husband is lying or being dishonest about the amount of porn that he’s watching, this means that he’s trying to hide something. This could be a sign of an addiction.
  

Is porn addiction affecting my family?

Porn use doesn’t have to be a problem. However, due to the mature subject matter involved and the way that addictions can interfere with family life, it’s important to be aware of how this addiction can affect your family.

Lying

One of the biggest issues that your husband’s pornography addiction could create for your family involves lying. Your husband might think that it’s best to lie about his habit to your children. 

In a certain sense, this might be true. Explaining to your children what pornography is and why he is using it might create a number of challenges on its own.

That said, children are very sensitive to their emotions and their intuition. Regardless of what his intentions might be, your husband is lying. Your children might be able to intuitively sense his mistruths. This could create distrust in the family and set an unhealthy precedent. If your children grow up believing that there’s no need to speak truthfully about their behaviors, they may not be honest about their emotions and behaviours in the future.

Exposing children to porn

Your husband’s addiction may also lead to your children being prematurely exposed to pornography and sexual behavior. 

Children will have to learn about sex someday, and realistically, there’s no set age that determines whether or not someone is capable of learning about reproduction.

However, the context in which they learn about sex is very important. If your children are first exposed to sexuality by accidentally walking in on your husband viewing extreme or violent pornography, this could traumatize them. This could also set an unhealthy standard for them and their sexual development.

Neglecting relationships 

Addictions of any sort can interfere with someone’s relationships. If your husband has a serious addiction to porn, this might get in the way of your family relationships.

Addictions themselves are a sort of relationship: a relationship between the addict and the object of their addiction. People with addictions need to get their fix before they’re capable of tending to their other relationships. Granted, this might not be as obvious with a porn addiction as it is with something more dangerous, like a drug addiction. In the case of drug addiction, people who don’t get their fix will become physically ill and may be willing to commit crimes in order to make money so that they don’t feel sick anymore. 

Porn addicts are less likely to break the law to watch porn. Nonetheless, if they don’t get their fix they might feel distracted or their mood will be unstable. Because of this, your husband may continually choose to watch pornography rather than attend to your family relationships. This could affect your marriage and, in serious cases, could lead to negligence that leaves your children feeling abandoned.

Creating tension

If you don’t approve of your husband’s use of pornography, whether or not it’s an addiction, this could create some tension in the family. Your husband might feel that he’s perfectly justified in watching pornography. This could lead to arguments that can create tension, not just between the two of you but for your entire family.

This tension could be further aggravated if you don’t feel comfortable explaining to your children what you and your husband are arguing about. Very young children do not need to learn about pornography, and this could make it challenging for you to try to reassure them or explain the basis of your disagreements with your husband.

What should I do if my husband is addicted to porn?

If your husband is addicted to porn, this can be a challenging experience for you. There are a couple of things that you can do to ease the stress.

Talk to him

The first thing you should do is talk to your husband. This means opening up a gentle, compassionate dialogue coming from a space of love. Don’t berate your husband, accuse him, or verbally attack him. Don’t approach the situation from a judgmental standpoint. Try to step into his shoes and don’t treat him like he has a problem.

If you speak in the first person, using statements beginning with “I feel,” and “I’m hurt,” then your husband won’t have to get defensive. He will be more likely to respond positively so that you can get to the root of the issue. On the other hand, approaching the issue with aggressive statements like, “You have a problem,” or “Your porn use is damaging us,” can only provoke defensiveness or aggression. 

If you’re unable to engage your husband without it turning into an argument, consider seeking marriage counseling - first and foremost to improve your communication together. If that doesn’t allow you to work through the porn problem, then the counselor can help with that.

Avoid blaming yourself

Make sure not to take on his porn addiction as if it were your own problem or your own fault. It’s all too easy to become overly invested in ‘fixing’ his ‘problem,’ when really you just need to be supportive and communicative. Being compassionate while remaining firm in your stance and position may produce the right conditions for your husband to make positive changes.

Reach out to friends and family

Chances are, you may know somebody who also struggles with a husband who is addicted to porn. Reaching out to these people can help you get a fresh perspective on your situation.

Even if you don’t know anyone who is in the same situation, having emotional support can be very important. Reach out to friends and family with whom you’re comfortable discussing your marriage.

Hobbies

If you’ve become so invested in your husband’s addiction that you’ve forgotten to tend to yourself, consider taking up some new hobbies. Or, if your husband has begun neglecting his hobbies for pornography, find something the two of you could do together.

Counseling

You may also want to reach out to a marriage counselor. Marriage counsellors specialize in helping couples with relationship problems. Your husband may want to attend the sessions with you. Even if he doesn’t, a therapist will be able to help you gain some valuable information about your current situation. You’ll be able to learn different coping mechanisms that can help you overcome stress or any emotional challenges.

What type of help is available?

There are also a lot of options available for your husband if he’s willing to work on the problem.

Support groups

Your husband might find some value in connecting with a porn addiction support group. The support groups aren’t necessarily commonplace, however, you can find out more about them on the Internet. These can be useful for your husband because he’ll be able to connect with people who struggle with the same addiction. 

Many people with porn addictions have a hard time coming to terms with their problems because they feel like they have nobody to talk to. Those who do often find that the only people who they can talk to about their issue are those actively interested in ‘solving’ it, or judging and rejecting it, rather than sitting down and discussing it openly.

This is especially true for husbands who would like to explore their problem with their partners but feel that they’re constantly being attacked because of their behavior. When someone feels like they’re being put at fault for their behaviour, even if they’re interested in improving, the natural response is to shut off and hide.

Counselors

A marriage counsellor might be useful for helping the two of you come to terms with the problem — whether that means you coming to terms with your feelings about your husbands’ pornography use, or your husband coming to terms with his addiction and learning to find healthier coping mechanisms.

If your husband is interested in the latter, however, a personal counsellor might be useful for him. In some cases, porn addictions are the result of complicated emotional problems. These problems can emerge at any point in life, and many people with addictions are simply acting out behaviours based on problems that they developed early in childhood. These issues may be beyond the scope of a marriage counsellor to help with.

If your husband is willing to work on the problem but hasn’t seen any success with any of these other methods, he may want to go to rehab. Rehab allows your husband the opportunity to speak with a therapist while being away from the temptations of pornography. In-patient rehab is a serious commitment, and it will involve him being away from you and your family for a month or more. However, if the problem is seriously affecting your relationship, this might be the best option.

Conclusion

Porn addiction isn’t life-threatening or physically dangerous, but it can still cause a number of problems in your relationship or marriage. If it progresses to a serious level, porn addiction can interfere with your intimacy, the relationships you share with your children, and your social life.

Seeking a counselor or joining a support group can help both you and your husband work through this problem. Remember to remain compassionate and understanding throughout the entire ordeal and you may be able to make some positive changes.